The blur of honey blonde hair and fashionably clashing plaid enveloped her just as she was reaching for the suddenly buzzing cell phone in her pants’ pocket. She stumbled a step backward at the collision.
“You better be Allie Wenderlon or this is about to get real awkward,” she said, even as she hugged the blonde back, smiling into her wavy hair when she heard her trademark giggle.
“Why, look who it is,” Allie said, stepping away from her friend and beaming. “Lauren Small, in the flesh, and at Oxford, no less. Leaving her poor best friend behind at insufferable Bristol.” She feigned a pitiful sigh.
Lauren laughed and let Allie loop her arm through hers, dragging her lazily towards where her dad’s car was likely parked.
“You love Bristol,” she retorted, smiling. “You were on cloud nine when you got the acceptance letter.”
“When I got an acceptance letter,” Allie corrected. “It was proof I was at least intelligent enough to make it on to higher education.”
“But did that satisfy your parents?” Lauren prodded teasingly.
“Stepfather,” Allie corrected. “Stepfather and his fifteen year old girlfriend.” She sighed, the tsk-tsk evident in her voice.
“I thought she was twenty-nine,” Lauren said.
“Going on fifteen,” Allie continued, undaunted by the correction. “Any woman that dates a man over forty and isn’t herself at least thirty is still in her teens in my book.” She stopped and sighed wistfully. “I just can’t bring myself to call her twelve. That’s a little too sick.”
Lauren laughed and turned to see where her best friend was staring when she silently refused to start moving again. A man in his mid-thirties, tall, dark and handsome, sporting a worn cap and a faded gray sweater, stood leaning against a vehicle she could just barely recall, but the man she definitely could.
“Uncle Jerry?” she asked, barely a whisper. She could feel Allie smiling at her surprised reaction, but ignored it completely when the man’s eyes found hers and she ran to him.
“My little Lorelei has missed me that much has she?” he teased when they finally pulled away from their embrace. Lauren looked up into his eyes, ecstatic at the surprise arrival.
“I didn’t know you were coming.” She glanced around him to the empty vehicle. “Where’s daddy?” she asked absently. When her uncle didn’t answer, and neither did her best friend who had walked over to join them, she felt a chill settle in her gut.
“He’s at home, Lauren,” Allie said gently, “getting ready for you.”
Lauren spun around.
“Getting ready for me?” She frowned. “Why’s he doing that? Why isn’t he here? He said he’d be here.” She was starting to sound panicky and she knew it, but her father had been so excited to the point of tears when she’d gotten into Oxford. He had made a point of drilling into her that he would always be present at every pick-up and drop-off, and that he would never allow her to go alone so he could miss it.
Besides, after what had happened with her mother and the events in recent days, she felt she had a right to have a screw loose or two.
Allie hesitated, then shifted her gaze back to Jerry.
“She should know,” she said firmly, telling Lauren loud and clear that this had been an argument brewing between her best friend and her uncle at least part of the drive there.
“Tell me what?” Lauren demanded, abandoning her resolve to remain calm. They were both acting so sullen and morbid it made her fear the worst. “Is…” she swallowed. “Is dad sick?” She hated it, but her bottom lip trembled.
Her uncle’s eyes widened and he quickly came to her, grasping her arms and holding her gaze. He shook his head once.
“No. It’s nothing like that. Your father’s health is fine.” He chuckled, despite how tense his niece was beneath his fingertips. “He couldn’t do what he’s doing now if it wasn’t.” Lauren waited with a barely restrained patience she was far from feeling. “He took another job,” Jerry said finally.
Lauren blinked, then frowned, her eyebrows furrowing.
“Another job? Why? Is that where he is right now? Working?”
Jerry nodded. It’s weird to see him so solemn, Lauren thought. Her uncle had always been the cheerful, light, innocently explosive one.
“Oh, for goodness sake,” Allie pulled Lauren away. “You’re going to scare her right into depression the way you’re looking. We both are.” She shook her head, annoyed, then looped her arm back through Lauren’s. She looked both ways for traffic, then dragged her best friend back across the street, presumably to start getting her things from her dorm room.
Jerry lagged slightly behind them.
“Basically what happened is the bank called your house about a week after you left for Oxford,” Allie began the explanation. Lauren listened warily. “They said they’d be sending a letter in the mail listing the details of your student loans arrangement. When the letter came, daddy dearest’s eyes grew to the siz e of saucers. I don’t think he really realized how much you were going to have to pay when you finished school,” she confided. Lauren suppressed a sigh. “So, as I’m sure you’ve already figured out, he was determined to assist you by getting himself a second job so he could offer something to get you started when you had to start making your payments, and no one was going to stop him. That’s all there is to it.”
Lauren wanted to argue but abandoned the idea when she reminded herself the real person she wanted to argue with was not present and so the point was mute. Also, Allie continued talking without warning.
“But hey!” she said cheerfully. “Here we are at Oxford University, your stomping grounds now. We’ll be seeing your room obviously, since we’re carting most of your junk home for the holiday, but show us your hang outs too!” Lauren opened her mouth to interjected but was interrupted before she could get started. “Where you study, where you relax, where you hit on boys…” Lauren tensed, and Allie caught it, but Jerry chuckled behind them and so the question in Allie’s eyes was held at bay.
She knew her best friend would pry it out of her, but right now the last thing she wanted to think about was boys – or rather, Miles Richards, the only boy that had mattered to her for the past three months.
Every one of the places she would have shown her best friend and her uncle had some stamp of Miles on it; where they’d met, where they’d talked…about life, about nothing; where they’d flirted and smiled, where they’d kissed and cuddled, where they’d just walked in content silence, where they’d studied…the first place they had made love, and where one night they had broken into a dark room on campus and slow-danced with only the slight filtering in of moonlight streaming through the angled glass window.
It had been difficult but not impossible to avoid all these places – with the exception of her dorm room, a place the two of them had also frequented – in the remaining few days of the semester, following the incident that changed everything.
But now she was being forced into going to all those places, and the only way she could avoid it would be to say something was wrong. The complete and total truth was the very last thing she was willing to share.
............
Later that night, when everyone had been thoroughly fed, hugged and talked to death, Lauren found herself in her old bedroom, which looked exactly as she had left it. She collapsed onto the bed and was just starting the final sink into peaceful oblivion when she hear a gentle knock on the door followed immediately after by silent entry of her BFF, Allie, who had invited herself to stay at her home during the holiday.
The blonde closed the door behind her, walked across the room and halted, hands on her hips, glaring down at her best friend. For a few lengthy seconds, Lauren pretended she wasn’t there. As was often the case with Allie though, determination won out.
“I know you’re not sleeping.”
Lauren opened one eye. Allie crossed her arms across her chest.
“I know you’re hiding something too,” she said.
Lauren opened her other eye and blinked. She thought about denying it, but it had been obvious from that first mention of boys earlier in the day that she was coveting a well kept secret. Allie was not going to allow her to hide it any longer.
“You know I don’t hide, Allie. I carefully conceal,” she said proudly.
Allie raised an eyebrow and waited until finally her best friend sighed and sat up, making room for her on the bed.
“Fine, I’ll tell you,” she said. “But if I do, you have to promise not to tell anyone, especially not my dad. He’s got enough on his plate already.” She frowned. “Which I intend to discuss with him in detail at breakfast – you’ll spend extra time in the shower and I’ll send Uncle Jerry off on some errand involving Christmas shopping.”
Allie waved off her tangents.
“You’re going off topic. I swear I won’t tell a soul and that I will spend more time under the glorious hot water in the morning. Now tell me.”
Lauren smiled a little at her friend’s urgency, but she quickly sobered as she proceeded to collect her thoughts. How to begin… The semester had been everything she had ever hoped for at first – her dream school, a nice, hot guy she’d started to fall for ...until it wasn’t. Until it became a nightmare she wished she could wake up from.
“Honey, what happened…”
She hadn’t even realized it but a tear had slipped down her cheek and now here Allie was, wiping it away. When she breathed in and out it was a little ragged and she hated that, because she had been so strong up until now.
She hadn’t cried at the restaurant or on the way back to campus or any time after. She hadn’t really mourned Miles because she’d spent so much time in shock and angry at him and distracting herself from those intense emotions that she hadn’t had time. She only cried once, and it was just one tear, just like now, when Miles had confronted her for the first and last time about everything that had happened. Her moment of weakness was over barely before it had begun.
It was different now though. Here in the presence of the one person who had never let her down, who was more like a sister than a friend, she was going to crumble. It was inevitable, and while she’d wanted to avoid that sort of succumbing, she knew it was the one place she was safe to do so and that it needed to be done for her to really heal.
“I met a boy,” she finally said. Allie’s eyes widened briefly, but she said nothing, so she must have guessed that had to be the source. “And he was everything, Al.” She looked at her and smiled sadly, though she felt oddly detached. “He was nice and cute – really cute. He said and did all the right things…made me so happy. I don’t think I’ve ever been that happy before.” She didn’t feel that happiness now, couldn’t even tap into what it had felt like, but memories passed by her eyes. She saw her smiling face and knew that she’d been happy. Once.
“What happened?” Allie asked again, a whisper.
Lauren closed her eyes tightly and two more tears squeezed out. This was the hard part. Allie made no move to hug her or squeeze her hand or wipe away her tears. The moment was too fragile. If she didn’t keep going she might not finish at all and she figured Allie knew that. She sighed on another ragged breath and forced herself to continue.
“Miles was the best boyfriend any girl could ask for…” she swallowed, “Until he joined the riot club.” She cringed at the words. She was disgusted to give it the right to even exit her mouth. “After that he showed his true colors. He put me through hell and then he asked my help to get out of trouble—”
“What kind of trouble?” Allie asked gently.
Lauren took another set of deep breaths and told her best friend the rest – all of it. When she’d finished, she wanted to scream out all the unspoken thoughts she had since it first happened – how could he do that? How could he say that? How could he ask that? Was it all a lie – everything? But, it got lost in the sobs that suddenly erupted out of her and wouldn’t stop.
Allie held her fiercely then, until Lauren was so tired from crying that she just lay back with her on top of the covers and seeped into a deep sleep. She had questions of her own but she wasn’t about to wake her best friend after that dreadful tale. She didn’t know if there ever would be a good time to ask, but one question kept creeping up on her still: If her best friend was so convinced everything Miles had been before that night was a lie, that he was just as bad as the other members of that club, why didn’t she just report him – all of them—right away? Why was it only a threat?
..................
The next morning, after Jerry had been sent into town on his mysterious Christmas shopping errand and while Allie dutifully spent extra time in the shower, Lauren and her father sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast.
“How did you sleep last night?” He asked.
“Fine,” she said, forcing a smile she hoped portrayed cheerfulness. Her father’s following sigh reaffirmed what a terrible actress she was.
“Honey.” He laid his hand warmly over hers. “I know how hard it is not having your mother here.” He squeezed her fingers gently and her heart squeezed with them. She did not need another reason to be sad this holiday. She did not need the reminder that two days before Christmas three years ago her mom had died of leukemia because they hadn’t been able to afford the more expensive treatments.
It shamed her to think of how easily some problems could be put away if she had just been willing to completely disrespect and humiliate herself by giving in to the riot boys’ demands some days earlier.
“Dad—”
“No, I need you to know that you can come to me. For anything. I want us to be a family with no secrets.”
She could’ve taunted him with that new job that was supposed to be kept secret from her, but the tone of her voice revealed her carelessness from the night before and she couldn’t make herself give in to the temptation – not yet.
“I’m taking a job at the university when I go back,” she said, breaking away from the emotional pull caused by her father’s words. “If this new job you’ve taken on is just to help with my tuition, I want you to quit it. I’m a big girl, daddy. I can take care of myself.”
He opened his mouth to argue but evidently changed his mind because he chuckled instead.
“What you are is your mother’s daughter, through and through.” He smiled gently. “Nothing is sacred around here, is it?” he teased.
She gave a small smile. This time it was genuine.
“If it’s any consolation,” she said, “Uncle Jerry tried to keep his mouth shut but you know Allie’s first loyalty lies with me.” Her smile widened.
He sighed testily but she knew he wasn’t really upset. Lauren had yet to see her father actually angry about anything. Even when her mother died, he’d been devastated but not angry. He was always strong for his daughter. Just like she had tried to be strong regarding the fall out with Miles. She’d relied on bitterness and distraction to stay strong. Not quite the same thing though.
“It’s not just for you,” he said finally. “My first job has never held much appeal. I’m a loner there, robotic. And with the house so empty now…” He trailed off, his eyes lazily scanning the room they were in, vacant of anyone but the two of them. She felt guilt settle in her chest when he found her eyes again and squeezed her hands pleadingly. “Let me do this. For both of us.”
She swallowed and nodded. Her dad was so hard to refuse when he was like this, warm brown eyes, soft touch, and all honesty, heart bleeding on his sleeve.
“Okay, dad,” she said. “Just…don’t overwork yourself.”
“Me?” he asked innocently and smiled, as if he hadn’t at one point been a workaholic.
She shook her head when he winked and got up to put the dishes in the sink.
“Promise?” she asked, a little forceful in her request. He turned around to look at her and bowed in her direction.
“I promise, m’lady,” he vowed. “I shall do as you wish.” He paused. “Or try to.” He winked.
She got up and rolled her eyes.
“That’s all I ask,” she said on a quiet sigh. Her father busy now at the sink, she took the moment to return to her bedroom where she hoped Allie would be settled on an outfit for the day, likely from her own closet.
…………
The rest of holiday went by smoothly, without tense conversation, without tears or sadness. Even on the anniversary of the late Mrs. Small, there was no mourning, only shared memories and the knowledge that she was in a better place and they were all lucky to have known her.
In private, Lauren made it clear to her best friend that there would be no more talk of Miles and that horrible situation. It was a scar she would have to live with for a long time but she wouldn’t let it hold her back. She was still at her dream school and she was going to make the most of it.
Allie was clearly hesitant, even though as best friend to Lauren, she very much wanted her to heal from what these boys had done to her. It still pissed the hell out of her that they’d gotten away with as much as they had, the horror they had done to Lauren being the least of it.
“Are you sure you don’t want to concoct some kind of insane revenge plot?” She asked, wiggling her eyebrows.
Lauren knew she was trying to lighten the mood, but she couldn’t summon the energy to fake a laugh or even force a smile.
“No.” She shook her head. “Those boys are despicable, but they’re also untouchable. Just look at what they did…and only one of them is getting any real punishment for it. His posh status likely will knock down the severity of that even further.” She scoffed in disgust. “And as for Miles…” She trailed off, remembering the look on his face when they’d last spoke. She shook her head to erase the remorse and guilt she’d seen there.
“He’s made no move to contact me since the last time we…spoke.” Allie quirked her head, no doubt curious about the delay in her sentence. Lauren refused to acknowledge it. There was no way she was telling her about seeing Miles one last time after their final talk. He’d been heading out of the Dean’s office with his parents and who was probably his younger brother. One of the boy’s from the club had come up to greet them cheerfully and it disgusted her, so she turned away. Less than five minutes later Allie had come to surprise her.
“So,” Lauren continued, “I think my threat hit home. He’s just as scared as the others of getting caught.”
A million things racing through her mind, Allie held her tongue and just hugged her.
“You know I’m here for you if you ever need me though, right?” she asked.
Lauren allowed herself to smile and snuggle into her best friend’s warmth.
“Of course.” She squeezed her tightly. “Thank-you.”
Assured and confident she would move past all the drama of the past semester, Lauren went to sleep on the last night of holiday at peace and completely content.
.
The warm autumn breeze wrapped around her, playing with the edges of her sweater and ruffling the curls in her hair. She breathed in the air and took in the sight that she knew would never cease to take her breath away.
“Thought I’d find you here.”
She gasped and jumped simultaneously, only to find Miles Richards standing on the other side of the roof smiling at her when she spun around. It took her a moment to remember what words were and how to use them, but luckily wit reignited at about the same time so she didn’t say anything dastardly.
“Because you know me so well?” she asked, amused – and genuinely so.
He started walking towards her, briefly taking his gaze away from hers to take in all the buildings that could be seen around them.
“It’s got a good view,” he said simply, slipping his hands in his pockets.
She crossed her arms across her chest.
“Also the place you hit on me,” she reminded him.
He came to a halt in front of her. “And got rejected.”
“Which didn’t stop you from seducing me later.”
He cracked a grin that made her heart speed up.
“I don’t recall you complaining.”
She was smiling like an idiot and she knew it but she couldn’t seem to stop.
“I must have forgotten my good advice.”
His smile turned uncertain, the way it had right before he’d hit on her that first time.
“I haven’t,” he said, then reached down and grabbed her hand. It sent chills racing through her, as all the memories from the night before and early this morning came back in an instant. She felt her cheeks grow hot and looked down.
“So, you seek me out instead of avoiding me, is that it?” She looked up at him again, feeling braver. “Clever.”
“I like you,” he said simply. Her heart sped up again.
“How much?” she challenged flirtatiously, leaning forward unintentionally. His hand inched up her arm till it cupped her elbow in response.
“What are you doing tonight?”
.
Lauren shot up in bed, breathing hard and sweating. It made no sense since the dream had hardly been strenuous and was nowhere close to terrifying.
It had made her remember though. She’d told Allie how happy Miles had made her before their fall out. She’d even cried for the loss of their happiness. But up until now it had been a disconnect retelling because since everything had fallen apart she’d begun to convince herself Miles’ initial treatment of her had been nothing more than a horrible façade.
Miles couldn’t be nice and decent and sweet in reality. Maybe he had been trying to reinvent himself or was in denial, but he was not the “normal” he claimed to be. After all, he had only wanted to prove himself worthy of her forgiveness if she would help him out of the trouble she firmly believed he deserved to be in.
But this hadn’t just been a dream. It had been a memory. Their first real interaction after the first hook up she’d told herself she wasn’t fool enough to succumb to. This dream had reminded her how her breath caught in her throat every time she saw him for the first time, how an involuntary smile appeared on her face almost instantly when he talked to her or looked at her, and how her heart sped up when he touched her, how she nearly stopped breathing. Whether or not, this dream had reminded her what it felt like to be alive.
Lauren shook her head to rid herself of the fading images and emotions. Forcefully she replaced them with the horrible things Miles had done, the hurt and the anger he’d caused; the gall he’d had to suggest…
She swallowed hard and contained her tears. It was easy to hate him when she thought about that. Miles Richards: the charmer, the sweet talker. Miles Richards: the coward, whose loyalty lay with no one but himself, whose morale reached only to a certain price. Miles Richards: the not normal, because no “normal” guy she knew was capable of turning on a dime the way Miles had, of becoming someone she didn’t recognize and wanted nothing to do with.
Lauren had fury enough from this to support her as long as she needed it, but she had to remind herself to balance it with the positive thinking of her future. It was tempting to let the anger overwhelm her, but she wouldn’t let it ruin her chances of being happy again someday with someone new, or something – anyone but Miles Richards.
With those thoughts strengthening her spirit, Lauren contented herself to fall back asleep. She was glad Allie had not woken up from her deep slumber in the bed beside her when she had. Miles was becoming harder and harder to talk about and she might have caved delving out the details of this precious dream she hated to admit was real. Closing her eyes, the one glum thought that remained was the reality that while her conscious thoughts and actions could be controlled, her dreams never would.
“You better be Allie Wenderlon or this is about to get real awkward,” she said, even as she hugged the blonde back, smiling into her wavy hair when she heard her trademark giggle.
“Why, look who it is,” Allie said, stepping away from her friend and beaming. “Lauren Small, in the flesh, and at Oxford, no less. Leaving her poor best friend behind at insufferable Bristol.” She feigned a pitiful sigh.
Lauren laughed and let Allie loop her arm through hers, dragging her lazily towards where her dad’s car was likely parked.
“You love Bristol,” she retorted, smiling. “You were on cloud nine when you got the acceptance letter.”
“When I got an acceptance letter,” Allie corrected. “It was proof I was at least intelligent enough to make it on to higher education.”
“But did that satisfy your parents?” Lauren prodded teasingly.
“Stepfather,” Allie corrected. “Stepfather and his fifteen year old girlfriend.” She sighed, the tsk-tsk evident in her voice.
“I thought she was twenty-nine,” Lauren said.
“Going on fifteen,” Allie continued, undaunted by the correction. “Any woman that dates a man over forty and isn’t herself at least thirty is still in her teens in my book.” She stopped and sighed wistfully. “I just can’t bring myself to call her twelve. That’s a little too sick.”
Lauren laughed and turned to see where her best friend was staring when she silently refused to start moving again. A man in his mid-thirties, tall, dark and handsome, sporting a worn cap and a faded gray sweater, stood leaning against a vehicle she could just barely recall, but the man she definitely could.
“Uncle Jerry?” she asked, barely a whisper. She could feel Allie smiling at her surprised reaction, but ignored it completely when the man’s eyes found hers and she ran to him.
“My little Lorelei has missed me that much has she?” he teased when they finally pulled away from their embrace. Lauren looked up into his eyes, ecstatic at the surprise arrival.
“I didn’t know you were coming.” She glanced around him to the empty vehicle. “Where’s daddy?” she asked absently. When her uncle didn’t answer, and neither did her best friend who had walked over to join them, she felt a chill settle in her gut.
“He’s at home, Lauren,” Allie said gently, “getting ready for you.”
Lauren spun around.
“Getting ready for me?” She frowned. “Why’s he doing that? Why isn’t he here? He said he’d be here.” She was starting to sound panicky and she knew it, but her father had been so excited to the point of tears when she’d gotten into Oxford. He had made a point of drilling into her that he would always be present at every pick-up and drop-off, and that he would never allow her to go alone so he could miss it.
Besides, after what had happened with her mother and the events in recent days, she felt she had a right to have a screw loose or two.
Allie hesitated, then shifted her gaze back to Jerry.
“She should know,” she said firmly, telling Lauren loud and clear that this had been an argument brewing between her best friend and her uncle at least part of the drive there.
“Tell me what?” Lauren demanded, abandoning her resolve to remain calm. They were both acting so sullen and morbid it made her fear the worst. “Is…” she swallowed. “Is dad sick?” She hated it, but her bottom lip trembled.
Her uncle’s eyes widened and he quickly came to her, grasping her arms and holding her gaze. He shook his head once.
“No. It’s nothing like that. Your father’s health is fine.” He chuckled, despite how tense his niece was beneath his fingertips. “He couldn’t do what he’s doing now if it wasn’t.” Lauren waited with a barely restrained patience she was far from feeling. “He took another job,” Jerry said finally.
Lauren blinked, then frowned, her eyebrows furrowing.
“Another job? Why? Is that where he is right now? Working?”
Jerry nodded. It’s weird to see him so solemn, Lauren thought. Her uncle had always been the cheerful, light, innocently explosive one.
“Oh, for goodness sake,” Allie pulled Lauren away. “You’re going to scare her right into depression the way you’re looking. We both are.” She shook her head, annoyed, then looped her arm back through Lauren’s. She looked both ways for traffic, then dragged her best friend back across the street, presumably to start getting her things from her dorm room.
Jerry lagged slightly behind them.
“Basically what happened is the bank called your house about a week after you left for Oxford,” Allie began the explanation. Lauren listened warily. “They said they’d be sending a letter in the mail listing the details of your student loans arrangement. When the letter came, daddy dearest’s eyes grew to the siz e of saucers. I don’t think he really realized how much you were going to have to pay when you finished school,” she confided. Lauren suppressed a sigh. “So, as I’m sure you’ve already figured out, he was determined to assist you by getting himself a second job so he could offer something to get you started when you had to start making your payments, and no one was going to stop him. That’s all there is to it.”
Lauren wanted to argue but abandoned the idea when she reminded herself the real person she wanted to argue with was not present and so the point was mute. Also, Allie continued talking without warning.
“But hey!” she said cheerfully. “Here we are at Oxford University, your stomping grounds now. We’ll be seeing your room obviously, since we’re carting most of your junk home for the holiday, but show us your hang outs too!” Lauren opened her mouth to interjected but was interrupted before she could get started. “Where you study, where you relax, where you hit on boys…” Lauren tensed, and Allie caught it, but Jerry chuckled behind them and so the question in Allie’s eyes was held at bay.
She knew her best friend would pry it out of her, but right now the last thing she wanted to think about was boys – or rather, Miles Richards, the only boy that had mattered to her for the past three months.
Every one of the places she would have shown her best friend and her uncle had some stamp of Miles on it; where they’d met, where they’d talked…about life, about nothing; where they’d flirted and smiled, where they’d kissed and cuddled, where they’d just walked in content silence, where they’d studied…the first place they had made love, and where one night they had broken into a dark room on campus and slow-danced with only the slight filtering in of moonlight streaming through the angled glass window.
It had been difficult but not impossible to avoid all these places – with the exception of her dorm room, a place the two of them had also frequented – in the remaining few days of the semester, following the incident that changed everything.
But now she was being forced into going to all those places, and the only way she could avoid it would be to say something was wrong. The complete and total truth was the very last thing she was willing to share.
............
Later that night, when everyone had been thoroughly fed, hugged and talked to death, Lauren found herself in her old bedroom, which looked exactly as she had left it. She collapsed onto the bed and was just starting the final sink into peaceful oblivion when she hear a gentle knock on the door followed immediately after by silent entry of her BFF, Allie, who had invited herself to stay at her home during the holiday.
The blonde closed the door behind her, walked across the room and halted, hands on her hips, glaring down at her best friend. For a few lengthy seconds, Lauren pretended she wasn’t there. As was often the case with Allie though, determination won out.
“I know you’re not sleeping.”
Lauren opened one eye. Allie crossed her arms across her chest.
“I know you’re hiding something too,” she said.
Lauren opened her other eye and blinked. She thought about denying it, but it had been obvious from that first mention of boys earlier in the day that she was coveting a well kept secret. Allie was not going to allow her to hide it any longer.
“You know I don’t hide, Allie. I carefully conceal,” she said proudly.
Allie raised an eyebrow and waited until finally her best friend sighed and sat up, making room for her on the bed.
“Fine, I’ll tell you,” she said. “But if I do, you have to promise not to tell anyone, especially not my dad. He’s got enough on his plate already.” She frowned. “Which I intend to discuss with him in detail at breakfast – you’ll spend extra time in the shower and I’ll send Uncle Jerry off on some errand involving Christmas shopping.”
Allie waved off her tangents.
“You’re going off topic. I swear I won’t tell a soul and that I will spend more time under the glorious hot water in the morning. Now tell me.”
Lauren smiled a little at her friend’s urgency, but she quickly sobered as she proceeded to collect her thoughts. How to begin… The semester had been everything she had ever hoped for at first – her dream school, a nice, hot guy she’d started to fall for ...until it wasn’t. Until it became a nightmare she wished she could wake up from.
“Honey, what happened…”
She hadn’t even realized it but a tear had slipped down her cheek and now here Allie was, wiping it away. When she breathed in and out it was a little ragged and she hated that, because she had been so strong up until now.
She hadn’t cried at the restaurant or on the way back to campus or any time after. She hadn’t really mourned Miles because she’d spent so much time in shock and angry at him and distracting herself from those intense emotions that she hadn’t had time. She only cried once, and it was just one tear, just like now, when Miles had confronted her for the first and last time about everything that had happened. Her moment of weakness was over barely before it had begun.
It was different now though. Here in the presence of the one person who had never let her down, who was more like a sister than a friend, she was going to crumble. It was inevitable, and while she’d wanted to avoid that sort of succumbing, she knew it was the one place she was safe to do so and that it needed to be done for her to really heal.
“I met a boy,” she finally said. Allie’s eyes widened briefly, but she said nothing, so she must have guessed that had to be the source. “And he was everything, Al.” She looked at her and smiled sadly, though she felt oddly detached. “He was nice and cute – really cute. He said and did all the right things…made me so happy. I don’t think I’ve ever been that happy before.” She didn’t feel that happiness now, couldn’t even tap into what it had felt like, but memories passed by her eyes. She saw her smiling face and knew that she’d been happy. Once.
“What happened?” Allie asked again, a whisper.
Lauren closed her eyes tightly and two more tears squeezed out. This was the hard part. Allie made no move to hug her or squeeze her hand or wipe away her tears. The moment was too fragile. If she didn’t keep going she might not finish at all and she figured Allie knew that. She sighed on another ragged breath and forced herself to continue.
“Miles was the best boyfriend any girl could ask for…” she swallowed, “Until he joined the riot club.” She cringed at the words. She was disgusted to give it the right to even exit her mouth. “After that he showed his true colors. He put me through hell and then he asked my help to get out of trouble—”
“What kind of trouble?” Allie asked gently.
Lauren took another set of deep breaths and told her best friend the rest – all of it. When she’d finished, she wanted to scream out all the unspoken thoughts she had since it first happened – how could he do that? How could he say that? How could he ask that? Was it all a lie – everything? But, it got lost in the sobs that suddenly erupted out of her and wouldn’t stop.
Allie held her fiercely then, until Lauren was so tired from crying that she just lay back with her on top of the covers and seeped into a deep sleep. She had questions of her own but she wasn’t about to wake her best friend after that dreadful tale. She didn’t know if there ever would be a good time to ask, but one question kept creeping up on her still: If her best friend was so convinced everything Miles had been before that night was a lie, that he was just as bad as the other members of that club, why didn’t she just report him – all of them—right away? Why was it only a threat?
..................
The next morning, after Jerry had been sent into town on his mysterious Christmas shopping errand and while Allie dutifully spent extra time in the shower, Lauren and her father sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast.
“How did you sleep last night?” He asked.
“Fine,” she said, forcing a smile she hoped portrayed cheerfulness. Her father’s following sigh reaffirmed what a terrible actress she was.
“Honey.” He laid his hand warmly over hers. “I know how hard it is not having your mother here.” He squeezed her fingers gently and her heart squeezed with them. She did not need another reason to be sad this holiday. She did not need the reminder that two days before Christmas three years ago her mom had died of leukemia because they hadn’t been able to afford the more expensive treatments.
It shamed her to think of how easily some problems could be put away if she had just been willing to completely disrespect and humiliate herself by giving in to the riot boys’ demands some days earlier.
“Dad—”
“No, I need you to know that you can come to me. For anything. I want us to be a family with no secrets.”
She could’ve taunted him with that new job that was supposed to be kept secret from her, but the tone of her voice revealed her carelessness from the night before and she couldn’t make herself give in to the temptation – not yet.
“I’m taking a job at the university when I go back,” she said, breaking away from the emotional pull caused by her father’s words. “If this new job you’ve taken on is just to help with my tuition, I want you to quit it. I’m a big girl, daddy. I can take care of myself.”
He opened his mouth to argue but evidently changed his mind because he chuckled instead.
“What you are is your mother’s daughter, through and through.” He smiled gently. “Nothing is sacred around here, is it?” he teased.
She gave a small smile. This time it was genuine.
“If it’s any consolation,” she said, “Uncle Jerry tried to keep his mouth shut but you know Allie’s first loyalty lies with me.” Her smile widened.
He sighed testily but she knew he wasn’t really upset. Lauren had yet to see her father actually angry about anything. Even when her mother died, he’d been devastated but not angry. He was always strong for his daughter. Just like she had tried to be strong regarding the fall out with Miles. She’d relied on bitterness and distraction to stay strong. Not quite the same thing though.
“It’s not just for you,” he said finally. “My first job has never held much appeal. I’m a loner there, robotic. And with the house so empty now…” He trailed off, his eyes lazily scanning the room they were in, vacant of anyone but the two of them. She felt guilt settle in her chest when he found her eyes again and squeezed her hands pleadingly. “Let me do this. For both of us.”
She swallowed and nodded. Her dad was so hard to refuse when he was like this, warm brown eyes, soft touch, and all honesty, heart bleeding on his sleeve.
“Okay, dad,” she said. “Just…don’t overwork yourself.”
“Me?” he asked innocently and smiled, as if he hadn’t at one point been a workaholic.
She shook her head when he winked and got up to put the dishes in the sink.
“Promise?” she asked, a little forceful in her request. He turned around to look at her and bowed in her direction.
“I promise, m’lady,” he vowed. “I shall do as you wish.” He paused. “Or try to.” He winked.
She got up and rolled her eyes.
“That’s all I ask,” she said on a quiet sigh. Her father busy now at the sink, she took the moment to return to her bedroom where she hoped Allie would be settled on an outfit for the day, likely from her own closet.
…………
The rest of holiday went by smoothly, without tense conversation, without tears or sadness. Even on the anniversary of the late Mrs. Small, there was no mourning, only shared memories and the knowledge that she was in a better place and they were all lucky to have known her.
In private, Lauren made it clear to her best friend that there would be no more talk of Miles and that horrible situation. It was a scar she would have to live with for a long time but she wouldn’t let it hold her back. She was still at her dream school and she was going to make the most of it.
Allie was clearly hesitant, even though as best friend to Lauren, she very much wanted her to heal from what these boys had done to her. It still pissed the hell out of her that they’d gotten away with as much as they had, the horror they had done to Lauren being the least of it.
“Are you sure you don’t want to concoct some kind of insane revenge plot?” She asked, wiggling her eyebrows.
Lauren knew she was trying to lighten the mood, but she couldn’t summon the energy to fake a laugh or even force a smile.
“No.” She shook her head. “Those boys are despicable, but they’re also untouchable. Just look at what they did…and only one of them is getting any real punishment for it. His posh status likely will knock down the severity of that even further.” She scoffed in disgust. “And as for Miles…” She trailed off, remembering the look on his face when they’d last spoke. She shook her head to erase the remorse and guilt she’d seen there.
“He’s made no move to contact me since the last time we…spoke.” Allie quirked her head, no doubt curious about the delay in her sentence. Lauren refused to acknowledge it. There was no way she was telling her about seeing Miles one last time after their final talk. He’d been heading out of the Dean’s office with his parents and who was probably his younger brother. One of the boy’s from the club had come up to greet them cheerfully and it disgusted her, so she turned away. Less than five minutes later Allie had come to surprise her.
“So,” Lauren continued, “I think my threat hit home. He’s just as scared as the others of getting caught.”
A million things racing through her mind, Allie held her tongue and just hugged her.
“You know I’m here for you if you ever need me though, right?” she asked.
Lauren allowed herself to smile and snuggle into her best friend’s warmth.
“Of course.” She squeezed her tightly. “Thank-you.”
Assured and confident she would move past all the drama of the past semester, Lauren went to sleep on the last night of holiday at peace and completely content.
.
The warm autumn breeze wrapped around her, playing with the edges of her sweater and ruffling the curls in her hair. She breathed in the air and took in the sight that she knew would never cease to take her breath away.
“Thought I’d find you here.”
She gasped and jumped simultaneously, only to find Miles Richards standing on the other side of the roof smiling at her when she spun around. It took her a moment to remember what words were and how to use them, but luckily wit reignited at about the same time so she didn’t say anything dastardly.
“Because you know me so well?” she asked, amused – and genuinely so.
He started walking towards her, briefly taking his gaze away from hers to take in all the buildings that could be seen around them.
“It’s got a good view,” he said simply, slipping his hands in his pockets.
She crossed her arms across her chest.
“Also the place you hit on me,” she reminded him.
He came to a halt in front of her. “And got rejected.”
“Which didn’t stop you from seducing me later.”
He cracked a grin that made her heart speed up.
“I don’t recall you complaining.”
She was smiling like an idiot and she knew it but she couldn’t seem to stop.
“I must have forgotten my good advice.”
His smile turned uncertain, the way it had right before he’d hit on her that first time.
“I haven’t,” he said, then reached down and grabbed her hand. It sent chills racing through her, as all the memories from the night before and early this morning came back in an instant. She felt her cheeks grow hot and looked down.
“So, you seek me out instead of avoiding me, is that it?” She looked up at him again, feeling braver. “Clever.”
“I like you,” he said simply. Her heart sped up again.
“How much?” she challenged flirtatiously, leaning forward unintentionally. His hand inched up her arm till it cupped her elbow in response.
“What are you doing tonight?”
.
Lauren shot up in bed, breathing hard and sweating. It made no sense since the dream had hardly been strenuous and was nowhere close to terrifying.
It had made her remember though. She’d told Allie how happy Miles had made her before their fall out. She’d even cried for the loss of their happiness. But up until now it had been a disconnect retelling because since everything had fallen apart she’d begun to convince herself Miles’ initial treatment of her had been nothing more than a horrible façade.
Miles couldn’t be nice and decent and sweet in reality. Maybe he had been trying to reinvent himself or was in denial, but he was not the “normal” he claimed to be. After all, he had only wanted to prove himself worthy of her forgiveness if she would help him out of the trouble she firmly believed he deserved to be in.
But this hadn’t just been a dream. It had been a memory. Their first real interaction after the first hook up she’d told herself she wasn’t fool enough to succumb to. This dream had reminded her how her breath caught in her throat every time she saw him for the first time, how an involuntary smile appeared on her face almost instantly when he talked to her or looked at her, and how her heart sped up when he touched her, how she nearly stopped breathing. Whether or not, this dream had reminded her what it felt like to be alive.
Lauren shook her head to rid herself of the fading images and emotions. Forcefully she replaced them with the horrible things Miles had done, the hurt and the anger he’d caused; the gall he’d had to suggest…
She swallowed hard and contained her tears. It was easy to hate him when she thought about that. Miles Richards: the charmer, the sweet talker. Miles Richards: the coward, whose loyalty lay with no one but himself, whose morale reached only to a certain price. Miles Richards: the not normal, because no “normal” guy she knew was capable of turning on a dime the way Miles had, of becoming someone she didn’t recognize and wanted nothing to do with.
Lauren had fury enough from this to support her as long as she needed it, but she had to remind herself to balance it with the positive thinking of her future. It was tempting to let the anger overwhelm her, but she wouldn’t let it ruin her chances of being happy again someday with someone new, or something – anyone but Miles Richards.
With those thoughts strengthening her spirit, Lauren contented herself to fall back asleep. She was glad Allie had not woken up from her deep slumber in the bed beside her when she had. Miles was becoming harder and harder to talk about and she might have caved delving out the details of this precious dream she hated to admit was real. Closing her eyes, the one glum thought that remained was the reality that while her conscious thoughts and actions could be controlled, her dreams never would.