Ch. 1 -
“I would do anything to get her back.”
She was on fire. The sensation was with her whenever she was with Jared like this. Sometimes she wondered if she ever inhabited another body if she would feel such insane desire with anyone else – even Ian. This desperate need to be impossibly close, to be touching all of him and have him touching all of her. It was the most intense thing she’d ever felt. It wasn’t real, and she knew that on every level, but when she closed her eyes and just lived in the moment, it felt real. It felt like he wanted her, and Melanie’s feelings – her desire for Jared – flooded through her.
Jared was Melanie’s first love, only love, true love; it was the same for Jared. Wanda knew that even without being inside his head. Jared and Melanie were so bonded and so inseparable; being a part of it, even like this was overwhelming.
And then abruptly it stopped. Her emotions were still whirring around her. She was trembling. Both she and Jared were breathing hard. But he had stopped kissing her. It felt like they’d been kissing forever, but by all estimations was probably just five minutes or less. Five minutes or less of lips and tongue, of hands clawing and tousled hair. Cheeks, throat…her drowning in him, him whispering harshly for Melanie to come back.
“Anything?” he asked, breathing roughly, his face pressed against the side of hers.
She swallowed once, the saliva thick in her throat and then shook her head. Slowly, he set her down, not releasing her completely until he was sure she could stand on her own two feet. Then he put a couple steps of distance between them and when she looked up into his eyes, her heart broke.
“Nothing,” he said numbly. His voice was bleak, neutral, emotionless.
Wanda was desperate for Melanie to be back. As strange as it was, she was terrified of living without that voice inside her head. Plus there was her family…Jeb, Jamie; and the look on Jared’s face said it all: he would not survive the true loss of Melanie after he’d been given the hope of her survival for so long.
She stood there weary, not knowing what to say. She wanted to make it all better, but she didn’t know how. Kissing Jared hadn’t even been her idea, though she could admit to herself that when she set out to kiss Ian she knew kissing Jared would have set Mel off more. Kissing Ian was selfish. It had angered Mel, but at least with that kiss she had given fair warning. When Wanda kissed Jared, he got a slap in the face. Or a punch maybe. It was hard to determine all the fuzzy details. Her mind had been spinning and her body had been overheated. Her first real kiss. She had never wanted it to stop, and the repercussions were enormous.
She should have known Jared was the key.
But this time kissing him hadn’t worked. What now?
Jared broke the sad stare he’d gotten so good and plastering to his face. He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated beyond belief, and scared.
“This can’t be it. I can’t lose her, Wanda. I can’t.”
She nodded numbly, swallowed again.
“How could you just—”
She tensed, bracing herself for a hit or a shove against the wall. She deserved it. Melanie was a voice in her head, and she’d sent her to some far depths in the heat of the moment. There was no rule, no solutions, no directions on how to fix this. She would’ve wanted this in the beginning, but now it was crime: one she had committed.
He sighed and started to pace.
“Is there nothing else we can do?”
She wanted to fix him, to fix all of this.
“I don’t know,” she said helplessly, her shoulders slumping in. “I tried kissing Ian first, because she was mad—”
He looked up sharply and that cut her off. It occurred to her belatedly he hadn’t known about that kiss. His eyes could have cut daggers. He didn’t like that anymore than Mel had.
Unlike the beginning of their association though, he didn’t react violently. The big picture, the problem to focus on here was getting Mel back. He could be pissed later about Ian kissing the lips of the girl he loved.
“And kissing me was…”
“Ian’s idea.”
He nodded, not looking at her.
After a long time, he finally met her gaze.
“I told you once I would do anything to get her back.” She tensed. “I meant it.”
A chill ran down her spine. Just like when she had chosen to kiss Ian first, she sensed what Jared would say. The burning memories from Jared and Melanie’s past raced behind her eyes.
“Jared, no, I couldn’t—”
“How badly do you want her back, Wanda?”
Her eyes widened. Disbelief and horror swept over her.
He took a step towards her and she couldn’t move. She was frozen and she horrified, but she couldn’t think of any other solution. She closed her eyes when he lightly touched her hair and brushed his fingers along one soft cheek. She had to force herself to breathe.
“I know you…feel what she feels for me. I know you do.”
She opened her eyes but didn’t look at him.
“As long as you do, that has to mean she’s still in there somewhere, right?”
Finally she met his gaze.
“Right,” she found herself saying.
“All we have to do is pull her out. Bring her to the surface. You just have to…hear her. That’s it. I just need to know that you hear her, okay?”
She closed her eyes and tears wet her eyelashes. Why couldn’t she hear her? Why did Melanie have to go so far away? Her body craved Jared, even thrilled at the suggestion he wasn’t saying. But in her gut she dreaded it. She’d never done it before and if they truly went through with it, Melanie would never forgive either of them. And that would be unbearable.
“She’ll hate us, Jared,” she whispered. “If she comes back, she’ll hate us.” Her breath hitched.
He cupped her face and tilted her chin up to look at him.
“I’d rather have her hate me than be gone from my life forever.” He swallowed, the lump in his throat visibly moving. “I can’t lose her now, Wanda. I’m so close. We’re so close.”
Her breathing was shaky, but she knew Jared was right. There were no other solutions. Neither of them truly wanted it, but it wasn’t about them. It was about bringing Melanie back, no matter what came after.
“Ok,” she said nodding slowly. Numbness took over her. Memories of Jared and Melanie flooded her again. First kiss, and now this? Melanie would never forgive her. This was too intimate, too intense, too…permanent. It was worse than kissing Ian. What about Jared? She’d said when she’d first leaned in to kiss him. Even if Melanie came back, what could she possibly say?
She wanted to protest some more, but she had no more arguments, so wordlessly she let Jared take her hand and lead her back into the recesses of Ian’s cave. He was gone, thank goodness. She couldn’t have bared if he’d been around to hear, or even worse, see what was about to happen.
The mattress loomed, uncovered, in the corner of the room. The blankets were in disarray at the edge. One pillow sat squarely at the far end of the bed. When they were almost brushing the bed, Jared stopped and turned to her, gently cupping her shoulders.
“I’m sorry,” he said, and for the first time she felt like he might think of her as almost human. “I didn’t want it to come to this. I just can’t…”
“Lose her,” she finished. “I know. Neither can I.” She forced a feeble smile.
“Close your eyes,” he said, and she dutifully obeyed. He guided toward the bed and lay her down on it. “I’ll be as gentle as possible.”
She knew he would be. He wasn’t the violent, angry man she’d first encountered here in the caves. He was capable of compassion and kindness. There was a beautiful heart beating inside him that had gone dormant for as long as Melanie had left him. If nothing else, for Melanie’s sake he would be gentle.
She could hear him stripping off his shirt and unzipping his jeans. Then she felt him unzipping her pants. She wriggled a little in an effort to help him rid her of her clothing. He didn’t remove her shirt, but he peeled it up to just below her breasts. He kissed his way up her stomach, hovering over her completely. She could feel his weight on the bed. The moment was almost upon her, and she should have been scared of it all, wary and unbelievably nervous. But the more of her his lips touched, the less fear she felt, and when he claimed her mouth, the switch flipped off and she was lost.
“Mel,” he whispered hot into her mouth.
She ignored it, wrapped her arms around his neck, arched against him. Before long she was wrapping her legs around his waist. And, keeping her eyes closed as he’d requested, she pulled her own shirt over her head.
In the back of her mind, she knew there was more than one reason for keeping her eyes closed. It wasn’t just to calm her, it was to blind him. He could pretend she was Mel, that it was the two of them reuniting. She owed it to him to let him believe that. The little control she had over this body when it was just them, she could give to closed eyes. After all, Mel had shown her plenty of what Jared looked like beneath all those dusty clothes.
When his mouth closed over one breast, she gasped. He kissed every inch of her body until she was clawing at him with need, all thought of Melanie completely forgotten, even with his urgent whispers still purring into her skin.
“Anything?” he asked huskily.
She was lost to him, to the moment, but she shook her head. Jared overwhelmed her. She couldn’t hear Melanie.
“Kiss me,” she murmured.
He moved up along her body, not kissing this time. When he reached her face, he did kiss her lips, but then he leaned over to her ear and pleaded in a broken, quiet voice, “Please don’t speak.”
She nodded subtly. Then she felt him move away, leave the bed entirely and then come back. She felt him spread her legs and move between them, and very slowly push into her. She gasped, her nails digging into his skull.
“Shh,” he soothed on borrowed breath. He loomed over her face again, finishing the first long thrust. He was shaking.
She smoothed her hands around his suddenly sweaty shoulders. She ran her hands down his back, felt his muscles working. Her lips found his. Her teeth nibbled his bottom lip, making him groan. He retreated a few inches and thrust back in again. The sensation was odd to her at first, but it was quickly becoming even more addicting than his kisses. Minutes passed and he abandoned caution. He thrust into her faster and she welcomed him eagerly, urging him as her heels dug into his lower back. She was in another place, a heaven of heat and she never wanted to leave. She was on fire, and it was glorious.
Finally, in what felt like another time, a millennia later, she felt a sudden tight clenching and release. She cried out, and he soon followed. Weary and dripping, he collapsed on top of her, breathing heavily. In the hazy bliss, she allowed herself to open her eyes. She wanted to stay in this moment forever. It was so beyond pleasant that she almost couldn't remember how she got there.
And then she heard it.
Not words, but breathing. Breathing that was not her own and not Jared’s. Breathing that was coming from inside her head. Angry, hurt breathing. And then a sniffle. The beginning of a cry of outrage that was stifled before it could explode.
“Melanie?” she asked out loud, heedless now to Jared’s presence on top of her.
He lifted his head immediately and looked into her wide silver eyes.
“Is she back?” he asked. He sounded startled and relieved, but she saw the fear in his eyes as plainly as she knew he could see it in hers.
How could you? The voice finally asked.
Wanda swallowed hard and shaking, slowly nodded. Her tongue was thick in her mouth, but she forced her mouth to move, to form words.
“She’s angry.”
Jared was Melanie’s first love, only love, true love; it was the same for Jared. Wanda knew that even without being inside his head. Jared and Melanie were so bonded and so inseparable; being a part of it, even like this was overwhelming.
And then abruptly it stopped. Her emotions were still whirring around her. She was trembling. Both she and Jared were breathing hard. But he had stopped kissing her. It felt like they’d been kissing forever, but by all estimations was probably just five minutes or less. Five minutes or less of lips and tongue, of hands clawing and tousled hair. Cheeks, throat…her drowning in him, him whispering harshly for Melanie to come back.
“Anything?” he asked, breathing roughly, his face pressed against the side of hers.
She swallowed once, the saliva thick in her throat and then shook her head. Slowly, he set her down, not releasing her completely until he was sure she could stand on her own two feet. Then he put a couple steps of distance between them and when she looked up into his eyes, her heart broke.
“Nothing,” he said numbly. His voice was bleak, neutral, emotionless.
Wanda was desperate for Melanie to be back. As strange as it was, she was terrified of living without that voice inside her head. Plus there was her family…Jeb, Jamie; and the look on Jared’s face said it all: he would not survive the true loss of Melanie after he’d been given the hope of her survival for so long.
She stood there weary, not knowing what to say. She wanted to make it all better, but she didn’t know how. Kissing Jared hadn’t even been her idea, though she could admit to herself that when she set out to kiss Ian she knew kissing Jared would have set Mel off more. Kissing Ian was selfish. It had angered Mel, but at least with that kiss she had given fair warning. When Wanda kissed Jared, he got a slap in the face. Or a punch maybe. It was hard to determine all the fuzzy details. Her mind had been spinning and her body had been overheated. Her first real kiss. She had never wanted it to stop, and the repercussions were enormous.
She should have known Jared was the key.
But this time kissing him hadn’t worked. What now?
Jared broke the sad stare he’d gotten so good and plastering to his face. He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated beyond belief, and scared.
“This can’t be it. I can’t lose her, Wanda. I can’t.”
She nodded numbly, swallowed again.
“How could you just—”
She tensed, bracing herself for a hit or a shove against the wall. She deserved it. Melanie was a voice in her head, and she’d sent her to some far depths in the heat of the moment. There was no rule, no solutions, no directions on how to fix this. She would’ve wanted this in the beginning, but now it was crime: one she had committed.
He sighed and started to pace.
“Is there nothing else we can do?”
She wanted to fix him, to fix all of this.
“I don’t know,” she said helplessly, her shoulders slumping in. “I tried kissing Ian first, because she was mad—”
He looked up sharply and that cut her off. It occurred to her belatedly he hadn’t known about that kiss. His eyes could have cut daggers. He didn’t like that anymore than Mel had.
Unlike the beginning of their association though, he didn’t react violently. The big picture, the problem to focus on here was getting Mel back. He could be pissed later about Ian kissing the lips of the girl he loved.
“And kissing me was…”
“Ian’s idea.”
He nodded, not looking at her.
After a long time, he finally met her gaze.
“I told you once I would do anything to get her back.” She tensed. “I meant it.”
A chill ran down her spine. Just like when she had chosen to kiss Ian first, she sensed what Jared would say. The burning memories from Jared and Melanie’s past raced behind her eyes.
“Jared, no, I couldn’t—”
“How badly do you want her back, Wanda?”
Her eyes widened. Disbelief and horror swept over her.
He took a step towards her and she couldn’t move. She was frozen and she horrified, but she couldn’t think of any other solution. She closed her eyes when he lightly touched her hair and brushed his fingers along one soft cheek. She had to force herself to breathe.
“I know you…feel what she feels for me. I know you do.”
She opened her eyes but didn’t look at him.
“As long as you do, that has to mean she’s still in there somewhere, right?”
Finally she met his gaze.
“Right,” she found herself saying.
“All we have to do is pull her out. Bring her to the surface. You just have to…hear her. That’s it. I just need to know that you hear her, okay?”
She closed her eyes and tears wet her eyelashes. Why couldn’t she hear her? Why did Melanie have to go so far away? Her body craved Jared, even thrilled at the suggestion he wasn’t saying. But in her gut she dreaded it. She’d never done it before and if they truly went through with it, Melanie would never forgive either of them. And that would be unbearable.
“She’ll hate us, Jared,” she whispered. “If she comes back, she’ll hate us.” Her breath hitched.
He cupped her face and tilted her chin up to look at him.
“I’d rather have her hate me than be gone from my life forever.” He swallowed, the lump in his throat visibly moving. “I can’t lose her now, Wanda. I’m so close. We’re so close.”
Her breathing was shaky, but she knew Jared was right. There were no other solutions. Neither of them truly wanted it, but it wasn’t about them. It was about bringing Melanie back, no matter what came after.
“Ok,” she said nodding slowly. Numbness took over her. Memories of Jared and Melanie flooded her again. First kiss, and now this? Melanie would never forgive her. This was too intimate, too intense, too…permanent. It was worse than kissing Ian. What about Jared? She’d said when she’d first leaned in to kiss him. Even if Melanie came back, what could she possibly say?
She wanted to protest some more, but she had no more arguments, so wordlessly she let Jared take her hand and lead her back into the recesses of Ian’s cave. He was gone, thank goodness. She couldn’t have bared if he’d been around to hear, or even worse, see what was about to happen.
The mattress loomed, uncovered, in the corner of the room. The blankets were in disarray at the edge. One pillow sat squarely at the far end of the bed. When they were almost brushing the bed, Jared stopped and turned to her, gently cupping her shoulders.
“I’m sorry,” he said, and for the first time she felt like he might think of her as almost human. “I didn’t want it to come to this. I just can’t…”
“Lose her,” she finished. “I know. Neither can I.” She forced a feeble smile.
“Close your eyes,” he said, and she dutifully obeyed. He guided toward the bed and lay her down on it. “I’ll be as gentle as possible.”
She knew he would be. He wasn’t the violent, angry man she’d first encountered here in the caves. He was capable of compassion and kindness. There was a beautiful heart beating inside him that had gone dormant for as long as Melanie had left him. If nothing else, for Melanie’s sake he would be gentle.
She could hear him stripping off his shirt and unzipping his jeans. Then she felt him unzipping her pants. She wriggled a little in an effort to help him rid her of her clothing. He didn’t remove her shirt, but he peeled it up to just below her breasts. He kissed his way up her stomach, hovering over her completely. She could feel his weight on the bed. The moment was almost upon her, and she should have been scared of it all, wary and unbelievably nervous. But the more of her his lips touched, the less fear she felt, and when he claimed her mouth, the switch flipped off and she was lost.
“Mel,” he whispered hot into her mouth.
She ignored it, wrapped her arms around his neck, arched against him. Before long she was wrapping her legs around his waist. And, keeping her eyes closed as he’d requested, she pulled her own shirt over her head.
In the back of her mind, she knew there was more than one reason for keeping her eyes closed. It wasn’t just to calm her, it was to blind him. He could pretend she was Mel, that it was the two of them reuniting. She owed it to him to let him believe that. The little control she had over this body when it was just them, she could give to closed eyes. After all, Mel had shown her plenty of what Jared looked like beneath all those dusty clothes.
When his mouth closed over one breast, she gasped. He kissed every inch of her body until she was clawing at him with need, all thought of Melanie completely forgotten, even with his urgent whispers still purring into her skin.
“Anything?” he asked huskily.
She was lost to him, to the moment, but she shook her head. Jared overwhelmed her. She couldn’t hear Melanie.
“Kiss me,” she murmured.
He moved up along her body, not kissing this time. When he reached her face, he did kiss her lips, but then he leaned over to her ear and pleaded in a broken, quiet voice, “Please don’t speak.”
She nodded subtly. Then she felt him move away, leave the bed entirely and then come back. She felt him spread her legs and move between them, and very slowly push into her. She gasped, her nails digging into his skull.
“Shh,” he soothed on borrowed breath. He loomed over her face again, finishing the first long thrust. He was shaking.
She smoothed her hands around his suddenly sweaty shoulders. She ran her hands down his back, felt his muscles working. Her lips found his. Her teeth nibbled his bottom lip, making him groan. He retreated a few inches and thrust back in again. The sensation was odd to her at first, but it was quickly becoming even more addicting than his kisses. Minutes passed and he abandoned caution. He thrust into her faster and she welcomed him eagerly, urging him as her heels dug into his lower back. She was in another place, a heaven of heat and she never wanted to leave. She was on fire, and it was glorious.
Finally, in what felt like another time, a millennia later, she felt a sudden tight clenching and release. She cried out, and he soon followed. Weary and dripping, he collapsed on top of her, breathing heavily. In the hazy bliss, she allowed herself to open her eyes. She wanted to stay in this moment forever. It was so beyond pleasant that she almost couldn't remember how she got there.
And then she heard it.
Not words, but breathing. Breathing that was not her own and not Jared’s. Breathing that was coming from inside her head. Angry, hurt breathing. And then a sniffle. The beginning of a cry of outrage that was stifled before it could explode.
“Melanie?” she asked out loud, heedless now to Jared’s presence on top of her.
He lifted his head immediately and looked into her wide silver eyes.
“Is she back?” he asked. He sounded startled and relieved, but she saw the fear in his eyes as plainly as she knew he could see it in hers.
How could you? The voice finally asked.
Wanda swallowed hard and shaking, slowly nodded. Her tongue was thick in her mouth, but she forced her mouth to move, to form words.
“She’s angry.”